maybe it’s just because im on my period. but im starting to think the pills arent working. they’re just vitamins. a natural remedy to the unnatural imbalance in my head. lately ive just been feeling that its all pointless. im doing well in my job and ive got a friend with benefits that’s keeping me satisfied and ive got a balance between working and keeping up on responsibilities and having fun. i should be happy as a lark. but all this week ive just wanted to not wake up one day. just have it all suddenly be over. what a relief it would be.
I would tattoo your name with a heart on my skin if it would convince you of my love. I know that I never would but still the idea seems plausible. Youre already permanently etched into my very being. You might as well be forever on my skin too.
I didn’t believe you. when you said
my mind contorts& I cant
on anything other
than the burn
that you’ve drummed up
me, like lava flowing to the surface
like a flood.
someone bring the sandbags
stop my heart
getting washed out to sea
breathless. and its okay
that with each
it ties a string from
that with each kiss from his
of his heart, its like a
a part of you cant resist because
there is an
inside of you that is shaped
& ever since then, I can’t seem to let him go.
He was never closer than when he spoke of leaving,
when he spoke in we’s and us’s,
& everything seemed just within the distance
I was never further away from myself
as I was when I loved him,
when I mixed his happiness in with my own
distilling our differences
& intensifying our chemistry
like some kind of love scientist
like some kind of sick experiment
but the reality of who we were settled in my heart
like heavy stones at the bottom of the ocean
the reality was that we never fit
the reality is that we never will
the real nitty gritty truth,
feelings be damned
& love locked hearts disregarded,
is that my love can’t change him.
We’ll pretend that we never met,
and I didn’t mean those things I said.
We’re just lost and
we won’t be found today.
I don’t normally respond to what my fellow writers post and especially not you because you stand out like a bright star amongst the rest. But on this one I couldn’t resist. I hope to someday find the kind of love you write about. Your talent amazes me over and over.
You’d appreciate this chapter, Nona. This is the last chapter I had written for Ananda. Why do people enjoy reading what my crazy ass has to write? Is it the pain? Hm. I love you, babe. I held a .48 snub nose to my forehead the day before I wrote this chapter. Belonged to my homie. Sold it to me for 200 bucks. 200 bucks to end this bedlam. Thank you for always loving me. And remember! It’s not suicidal! I majored in psychology. Not suicidal. Just tired. Oh so tired. Enjoy this chapter. When you come visit me, I’ll give the rest of the story to you.
Ananda’s Elephantine: Octoginta
"How can you be a revolutionary and not know how to dance?"
We met so suddenly. Last night, we shared water in wine glasses to celebrate my sobriety. Meet your Mary. Trust in Allah. Tie your camel. Poetry and casablanca lilies. Big Brother is gone and there is no more abuse for his siblings. We govern ourselves and dispel the immoral.
I am prostrate again. Ananda is laying on my chest. Sleeping soundly. Nothing will wake us up now. I won’t have to cover her ears anymore. How many times have I kissed her forehead while Ananda has slept?
I’d cut her abdominal cage and place my lips on her organs if I could. Ananda knows it too.
"You can sleep now, babe."
I know I can, Ananda.
For loving me.
im not gonna dwell on the little things. im not gonna notice the dimple that’s on your left cheek when you smile. im not gonna remember the feel of your fingers intertwined with mine. or how we gave each other eskimo kisses and then you slightly laughed and bit your lip. I wont think about how you said “my darling” after the throws of passion. or the way your head felt on my chest and the vibration of your voice saying “your heart is beating so fast”. I wont think about how you said you could do this all night or the way that you kissed my neck. I wont dwell on how your arm wrapped around my lower back and pulled me closer to you. or the feel of your fingertips just there and how I swear my skin is still burning from your touch. I wont remember the noises you made when I kissed your neck or how your skin felt under my fingertips. I wont think about your hip bones and my need to hold on to them. I remember how speechless I was after the fact or how my legs were shaking so bad I could hardly stand. I wont be enthralled by the thought of seeing you again. or remember when you said “come hold me it’s freezing” and the way our bodies fit together. I wont think, remember, dwell on any of that. and I sure as fuck am not gonna write about it.