I’m taking poison daily and not thinking twice about it. It fills me up with temporary euphoria. Just long enough to make me think it’s all alright. But then the high is now low and I’m crawling back for more. Trying to hold onto the resolution that the last hit would be my last. But the resolution fell on deft ears and I’m bending all the rules. All the things I said I wouldn’t do. I’m bending them for you. And it breaks my heart. I’m knowingly breaking my heart. Why didn’t you stop me?
I can’t think about you leaving and my heart going with you. And kids and your family. And missing all the exciting things that life holds ahead for them. I can’t go there because once I do its hard for me to come back from that. Its like a black hole that sucks the very part of me that you hold down with it. Let’s agree to not bring it up until absolutely necessary.
Just do it. Just break my heart now. Move away. Go to Oregon and leave me here. Do it before I make myself miserable falling in love with you and realizing there is no net to catch me. Just get the hurt over with so I can I hate you and then learn from it and move on. I’m delaying the inevitable, I know that. But I do it because I love you. And I want to hold onto the chance that you’ll love me too. But why? Why does it hurt when you love someone that doesn’t love you back? Why can’t you just love someone enough for the both of you? I’m going to figure out a way. Because I’m not giving up on this. No matter how scared I am. No matter how much I cry. No matter how long it takes. I am dedicated to you. You’re going to have to tell me to leave you alone and that I never have a chance before I’d leave. I’m in this even if you’re not sure if you are.
I love you so much it actually scares me. I never thought it would be possible to have this much love for someone. I never thought I’d fall again or let someone in again. But its like suddenly you’re in my heart, you’re in my head, you’re all over my skin. I can’t escape the way the very essence of my heart lies in your hands. I’m willing putting myself in danger to be hurt because the chance of you falling for me too is worth the risk. I know that if I had to go on without you I could. But the fact remains that I don’t want to. I want to wake up every morning and give you morning breath kisses. I want to come home to you sitting on the couch in your underwear playing video games. I want to fall asleep with you as little spoon and me as the big spoon (quietly laughing at the irony). I wanna hear you snacking in the middle of the night. I don’t wanna miss out on the kids lives. I want them to call me Tt because in their Tia. I am so in love with you it makes me tear up. I love the way you towel dry your hair when you get out of the shower. I love the way you wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me to turn into you and then happily hum when we are all cuddled up. I love it when you start going off on a tangent about something and get all excited. I love seeing you play catch with Sergio. I love you and I’m not gonna ask why or fight it or force it upon you. I’m simply gonna lie back and enjoy the ride and welcome love with open arms.
My biggest fear is not that you will not return my love. My biggest fear is that you will. What would I do if you actually reciprocated what I feel for you? Would I run? Too afraid of letting you to give it a go? That’s my history, my method of operation. Everything that I’ve done in the past is push people away before they can hurt me. Would you fight for me? Would you push through my fears and say “no. I love you and I won’t let you go”. Not likely. As you said from the beginning “if I find someone else its all good. If you find someone else its all good”. But that was 6 months ago. Neither you nor I are the same person. I just pray i stick around long enough to find out.